While You Were Out Nailing Hot Chicks In March, I Watched These Instead

The Changeling
Just a great piece of work and easily Clint’s best to date. Shamefully ignored in awards season, save a few nods for Jolie. Really good stuff. Also found myself getting really wound up by it about half-way through. The brain, it resists implausible plot points, even true-to-life ones. Try and check it out though, it’s proper heartgutting.


Blindness
Y’know, it’s a bit crap. I get what they were going for, but it’s not far off being a complete and utter turkey. All the dancing, bleached-out camerawork just distances you from the characters, and as the genre bends towards science-fiction and asks you to care about all the rapins, betrayins and murderins...that just won’t do, baby.


Watchmen
“He’s so faithful to the comic” and whatever. Yeah, too faithful. You might as well read the bloody comic. It doesn’t connect in the way that Sin City does. You’ve got to know the difference between being faithful to a 2D material and rounding-out the characters and story into an actual film and Snyder just doesn’t seem to know how.


Australia
It’s not nearly as bad as I’d heard. I wouldn’t watch it again, but it was alright. I don’t know what people were expecting, but personally I was expecting exactly this, so was neither thrilled nor disappointed.


The Duchess
Hmm, yeah. Ok. Decent enough, for what it is. The sex scenes between Ralph “s’RAYF, actually” Fiennes and Keira “cum” Knightley were like watching a pale toad apathetically prod at a spatula. In that way, this movie was a complete success.


The Unborn
Pretty darn bad. And not even good-bad. Just averagely nothing. Also has a tacked-on ending you can see coming a mile off.


Knowing
KNOWING. Heh. I was excited and filled with dread about the whole thing. ‘Cause I hate The Crow, love Dark City and found I, Robot alright.

I kind of love Alex Proyas. He’s dear to me. So when I heard the plot I could kind of see what was going to happen. You were going to get a mental, old-school sci-fi story and jam Nicholas Cage’s hair plugs right in the middle of it.

That’s exactly what you get here. Fleeting, great moments ruined by epic retardedness. You can’t build up a terrifying moment and then throw a cartoony CGI moose on fire at the screen. It creates guffaws where there shouldn’t be any. Say what you want about the hilariously fucking inept 70s prog-rock vinyl front cover ending, but at least Proyas followed through on the basic idea.

Cage? Jesus, he under-acts here to the point of boredom. I dunno whether he had Botox or what. Christ. I’ve seen a lot of bad Cage acting but this was the worst he’s ever been. Laughably bad. And because Proyas seems to care so much about the (admittedly awful) material I found myself a bit angry at Cage for being so goddamn terrible, which is a trait of his I usually enjoy.


Role Models
A few amusing moments, but not nearly as good as Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which was about average. So, pretty bad.

I Hit This Shit In February, While You Were Out Having A Life

In defense of my blog that only a few poor souls read, I would like to say that during last week my boyfriend was looking to see whether a film he wanted to see was any good. As we were flipping through reviews on the internet, I was reading them aloud and he snapped "just skip to the last paragraph" because that's where the crux is. People don't really want the plot synopsis or any of that crap. So. Here, then:

Zack & Miri Make a Porno
I thought it was a lot better than Jersey Girl and Clerks 2, which had tone problems and were generally a bit wank. Quite sweet, really.

Frost/Nixon
Y'know, it’s Ron Howard. What are you expecting? Are you expecting a competently-directed film that occasionally lapses into dull moments, with a cavalier attitude to riding the line between actual events and more dramatic, entirely fictional moments? Well, that’s what you’ll get. Have at it.

Slumdog Millionaire
It’s crap. I’m not hating on it for racial reasons (piss off) but purely performance reasons on all fronts (except acting, which is ok). A while ago Danny Boyle directed a movie called Millions, which was critically and financially shat on from a great height. Slumdog is basically a remake of Millions with a bit of City of God thrown in. And the direction itself is chock-full of genuinely poor decisions, whether it be the Battlefield Earth-level of Dutch angles on show or by the criminal comparison of first and second unit shooting. Its massive scoop of awards is just shameful.

Good Dick
Jason Ritter is gently slipping into indie movie territory after the cancellation of Joan of Arcadia (terribly saccharine TV show of yore with Amber ‘inappropriately young girlfriend of David Cross’ Tamblyn). Good Dick is all over the place, but it stayed with me afterward inexplicably.

Defiance
Oh Liev. So hot. Edward Zwick does better here than with Blood Diamond. He’s still doing that thing he does. Taking a true story and mashing an action movie in there. Whatever makes you happy, Zwick.

Choke
Not a bad first effort from Clark Gregg (he of ‘I know him. Where do I know him from?’ TV bit-part fame) and Sam Rockwell looks like a great kisser, but overall it’s not outstanding and Kelly Macdonald is badly miscast.

Rachel Getting Married
I was really impressed with it. The horrible characters really reflected the grief process well. Great acting throughout. Bit overlong, but fuck it. The scene where Hathaway goes to see Winger before the wedding is AMAZING.

W
Just, no. Bad.

The Escapist
Rupert Wyatt (directed Ticks. No, seriously) does good here. Decent little prison escape piece with a tight running time and Steven Mackintosh playing a mental. Because he either plays a mental, or a straight character you keep expecting to go mental, but never does. Typecasting: gotta love it. Elsewhere, Damien Lewis perfects his mince. Sweet.

What Just Happened
Oh God. I mean, do we need another crappy Robert de Niro movie? We really don’t. When will it end?

The Day the Earth Stood Still
Keanu Reeves playing an emotionless alien. Method acting at its finest. Ropey CGI and an overall feeling of lameness. Also, Jennifer Connelly needs to eat at least....*counts on fingers*....5000 Subway meatball subs. Where is old-school big-titted lovely Jennifer? She collapsed in on herself like a manic-depressive white dwarf.

Outpost
Zombie Nazis. Cool. Tyres doesn’t die too early on, if you were wondering.

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane
They really do. Me too. I liked it. They reveal the killer pretty early on, and while it seems obvious who it is anyway, you can’t help but suspect there’s a twist ending coming. There is, and it sags a bit there. But Jonathan Levine is a director to look out for and you’ll be seeing A LOT of Amber Heard in the coming years. Possibly too much.

Seven Pounds
I cried all the way through shamelessly although it is, of course, fucking awful. Also, I was upset by the casting choice of Barry ‘The White Rat’ Pepper. If you’re going to cast Barry Pepper, give him something to do. Suggested viewing includes The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada, 25th Hour and The Green Mile for proper awesome Pepper usage.

Films What I Done Watched In January

Journey To The Centre Of The Earth (Non-3D Edition)

Probably would have been better in 3D. I didn't mind it, which is to say it didn't make me want to kill myself like The Mummy 3 did.


Rocket Science

Pretty decent little indie movie. At first the deliberate indieness of it made me balk, but once I relented it was alright. West from Heroes makes good.


Pineapple Express

What a weird one. Much like Tropic Thunder and Hot Fuzz it tries to badly mix action and comedy on a larger budget. Some good moments, some good lines, but overall meh.


Mamma Mia

So very, very bad that it's almost good. Tom Hanks is now a bazillionaire thanks to Exec-ing this. Which is good, cause he hasn't made a good movie as an actor since The Terminal.


Resident Evil: Degeneration

Not bad for a 90 minute FMV.


REC

I watched it in the daytime. Was that my first mistake? I was disappointed. The chick was just so irritating (if hot) and I would rather listen to Hud (Cloverfield)'s bullshit or even Heather (Blair Witch Project)'s screaming than sit through her again. I wasn't creeped out and I didn't jump. On those terms, The Orphanage must be pretty well-orchestrated in comparison.


Saw 5

I liked Saw 2, 3 and 4 was alright. This marks a really significant drop in quality for the franchise though. Maybe Costas Mandylor is cursed. I know Scott Patterson is, since none of his attempts at a career beyond Gilmore Girls seem to have paid off yet. On a side note, Gilmore Girls was the Picket Fences of the 00s. Coincidence?


Starship Troopers 3

Marking Casper Van Dien's 'triumphant' return to the franchise. They go for a more religious subtext on this one, as opposed to a political one.


American Teen

Yeah. I mean, there's a certain amount of suspect 'arranging' here, in terms of editing and circumstance. But overall it was a quite charming doc.


Tell No One

Great. Really, really good French thriller about a guy whose wife is murdered, then years later starts sending him emails. There's an awesome chase sequence bang in the middle that is so deftly put together I actually held my breath. How often can you say that? The experience of watching it reminded me of watching Nine Queens. You know that after that first time it's never going to be the same, you'll know all the twists, so the first viewing seems vital.


Speed Racer

It was really colourful and bright and shiny and fast, so I enjoyed watching it. With a better script, it could have been great.


Let The Right One In

Pretty good. I was expecting too much, probably. Liked the "what happens if you don't get invited in" scene. I had not seen that idea in a movie before. I'd probably watch it again on an evening.


Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants 2

It's as well put together as the first one, and I blubbed stupid girl tears, although the Amber Tamblyn storyline was the winner; the other three pretty much fell flat.


Shotgun Stories

Wow. Michael Shannon. Oscar Nom'd for the wrong movie? He's so good a little bit of pee comes out when I watch him.

Very basic plot: Son, Kid and Boy are three brothers whose abusive Dad left them and their mum, stopped drinking, found God and had a brand new family. When the Dad dies the brothers slowly let all their past resentment come to a head, with tragic results for them and their Dad's "real" family. The huge helpings of comedy really move it along, with a rat-faced loser character named Shampoo Douglas propelling the tension at very well-choreographed moments.

Also, I think I want to name a future pet Shampoo Douglas.


My Bloody Valentine 3D

1) Ok, so I heard there was a 3D movie coming out with Kerr Smith and Jenson Ackles and I thought "that is going to be AWESOMELY shit." And it was. The dialogue, acting and plot were terrible (in my mind everything Kerr Smith says is unintentionally hilarious). But really I was going for decapitated body parts and murder weapons and blood coming out of the screen at my face, so I wasn't disappointed. One problem was that 3D isn't as impressive when you're filming a badly-lit scene, unfortunately, so having action take place primarily down a mine is going to cause some issues.

2) The absolute worst circumstance to view My Bloody Valentine 3D in is sitting in front of the two people we were sitting in front of at the cinema. A squirrely white guy wearing a light grey hooded sweatshirt/matching light grey sweatpants pulled up to half-calf/white tube socks/white hightop trainers/massive gold chain combination....and his 18 year old girlfriend, who committed the following acts throughout:

• Screaming very loudly at 'scary' moments during the trailer for The Univited, before the main movie. After being shushed, yelling "OH I'M SORRY I DONT LIKE SCARY MOVIES, I'M NOT A DICKHEAD, OK?????" sarcastically. You're just about to watch a scary movie that will last a lot longer than this trailer.
• Screaming very loudly during every 'jump' moment, i.e. any loud noise at all. I had no idea people actually screamed like this, in genuine shock, at such run-of-the-mill movies like My Bloody Valentine 3D. Is this the first and last horror movie she will ever watch? Part of me really hopes so.
• Being completely unaware of all horror movie conventions by shouting things like "WELL, THAT'S UNREALISTIC!" and getting very upset when a "good character" is about to die, moaning "OH NO! NOT HIM! NOOOOOOO!" and shouting "OH NO! NOT HER! NOT THE LOVELY LITTLE PERSON!" when a dwarf is about to kick it.

The 10 Best Movies I Watched In The Last Year

I Continue To Watch Movies, These Are Them

Charlie Bartlett

Yeah, there's not a whole lot going on here. It never really finds the right tone. Which is a shame. I presume at some point they'll find the right older actor to pair up Anton Yelchin with. In this case, Robert Downey Jr wasn't right. Let's see what happens when he backs up Christian Bale next in the new Terminator movies.


Doomsday

I really like Neil Marshall. I love Dog Soliders and worship The Descent but this just ain't up to much. It seems like, well he's admitted as much, that he just ripped off a lot of other movies about this stuff and glued them together as a kind of tribute. It was worth it for Rhona Mitra. I don't know whether anyone else noticed this or not...how bad the editing was in the first half an hour? It was way too fast and choppy. I got a bit of a head on.


Hancock

In the first hour it seemed kind of fun, then it fell apart pretty quickly. Peter Berg is not a great director, but it was probably more on account of the story itself that this didn't work out.


What Happens In Vegas

It's bad. The amount of spray tan...will just blow you away. At first I thought they had some kind of filter on but...no, I don't think so. Orange. Really orange. So orange.


The Spiderwick Chronicles

Pretty decent, actually. For a kids movie. It was dark and there was genuine peril (suck it, Lucas).


In Bruges

It was pretty good. Funny and dark. I think I need to watch it again, cause it was railing me first off.


Prom Night (Remake)

It's a Wire reunion with Ziggy and Stringer but they can't stop it being crap.


Street Kings

If you've seen a James Ellroy movie before you've got no surprises coming, really. Plus, y'know, Keanu Reeves as a COP on the EDGE.


Wall-E

Great. I loved it.


The Mummy 3

Rob Cohen. Why? Now people miss Stephen Sommers. They're like, "what's Stephen Sommers up to?" He should be forgiven for Van Helsing, already. Oh and yes, Rob Cohen's Mummy 3 is awful.


The Dark Knight

Saw it twice in the cinema. Loved it. Not much more I can write that hasn't already been said. Hope Heath in the nurse's uniform blowing up the hospital will become as classic a moment as Jack Nicholson throwing the axe at the door in The Shining.


The Assassination of Jesse James by The Coward Robert Ford

Hm. Well, it looked good, and Casey Affleck was good, but I wasn't blown away.


You Don't Mess With The Zohan

Yeah....no.


Sex & The City

Awful. I'm not a huge fan of the series, but I won't throw a shit fit if it's on. I can watch it and see it for what it is, the same as with Entourage (which is just a male version of SATC) but this is virtually unwatchable. There aren't any genuine laughs and it doesn't even try and use generic techniques to pull at the female heartstrings. Plus it's really long.


100 Feet

Famke Janssen kills her abusive husband and gets off a murder rap light, except she's under house arrest for the rest of her sentence. And it's the house she killed her husband in. And he's haunting it. And he's angry. Surprisingly watchable and gory, if lame.


Stir of Echoes 2: Homecoming

Rob Lowe is back from Iraq (or Afghanistan) and he saw some harsh shit and now he's blah blah whatever. This really has nothing to do with the first movie and clearly they had another TV movie or straight-to-dvd script and wrote 'Stir of Echoes 2' on the front. Because nob-ends like me will be mildly intrigued and watch it.


The Strangers

Effective horror movie that only loses points for the stupidity of the main characters and the lack of cohesion in the chase pieces.


Midnight Meat Train

You know, fuck you. Because this movie has many, many problems. The special effects are quite cheap and shoddy. You never, at any point, stop thinking 'ITSVINNIEJONESITSVINNIEJONESITSVINNIEJONES'. Bradley Cooper is an extremely limited actor. They properly grab onto the Clive Barker story til it has you wondering whether it's 1990 and you're at a Night Breed matinee double bill. But you know what? This has more balls and simple ideas, just in terms of basic execution, than 95% of all horror movies i've watched in the last 5 years. Yeah, it's shit. But I dug it. Of course, I will admit that it might be partially due to the Kitamura Love.


Wanted

The Loom of Fate. No. Skinny Arms Jolie is all sorts of visually disturbing.


Get Smart

Slowly and painfully drags you kicking and screaming into admitting it's "actually not that bad."


Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day

It looks good, but is ultimately fluff. Frances McDormand's accent is also really wobbly.


Hellboy 2

Again, it's got so much to look at and many great ideas, but there's too much going on on screen to really feel attached to the heart of the story.


Hamlet 2

Uh, yeah. Don't know whether you're familiar with Hamlet 2. Steve Coogan is playing a high school drama teacher in Arizona (I think) and he basically wants to prove he is a talented actor/writer, so when they cancel drama at his school he writes a sequel to Hamlet for the kids to play out, which is a musical. It's pretty bad, but by the end you're almost won over. Which is quite the acheivement, to be fair.


Burn After Reading

A few good moments, but disappointing overall.


Prince Caspian

Too. Fucking. Long. By far. After the first hour you don't care. By the second hour, you're about ready to choke an Aslan. Coming on three hours you're weeping and begging for it to end.


The House Bunny

Despite the great Anna Faris, who has botoxed the shit out of her upper lip and now looks very odd indeed, this is really fucking awful.


Twilight

The best thing I can say about it is that the colour scheme is right. Kristen Stewart isn't bad as Bella, but that Robert Pattinson kid is an awful actor. I love all that vampire forbidden love sexy time crap and whatnot, but it's so badly directed and scripted to the point where even I was cringing. Some of the lines in it (I'm thinking of the off-handed "It's Debussey..." shit and the entire Vampire Baseball sequence, particularly) clanged out so badly I started inwardly screaming.


Ghost Town

David Koepp manages to crank out a fairly harmless little romcom here. Although, if you've ever seen Heart & Souls with Robert Downey Jr (1993) don't even bother. It's pretty much the exact same movie.


Step Brothers

Complete lack of laughs from beginning to end. Pish.


Mirrors (Remake)

Alexandre Aja manages to get another piece of shit made, with Kiefer Sutherland woefully miscast and an end product which makes Silent Hill look like Don't Look Now. Look out for the twist ending, which is so unbelievably lame it will make you physically revolt.


The Alphabet Killer

Eliza Dushku is the wrong choice here and flashing her baps doesn't force any kind of up-tick. Her schizo moments are laughable and the general Zodiac-wannabe-ing leaves you cold.


Babylon A.D.

Vin plays this like it's his Children of Men. It isn't. It is, however, shite.


Death Race (Remake)

Fairly watchable Paul WS Anderson actioner. Instantly forgettable. Isn't that what you paid for?


Dance of the Dead

Surprisingly fun low-budget horror movie that shouldn't be missed. Really well put together.


Passengers

Came out this year apparently. The director's got a couple more projects in the works, one with Naomi Watts and Annette Bening called Mother & Child. I'd never heard of Passengers. But it's an Anne Hathaway vehicle with a story you've seen a billion times before. Nothing new here. Nothing to see. Move along.

Some Movies What I Done Watched, Yeah?

Cloverfield
Or ‘No One Gives A Fuck About Hud’ as a great man once suggested. I didn’t mind it. It wasn’t great. Pretty much what I expected.

Shutter
Original Asian version, filled with the usual visual tricks and metaphors akin to these kinds of movies: long dark hair, water, pissed-off dead girl ghosts. Strangely effective, though. A lot of them aren’t.

AVP2
Ok I liked the first Aliens Vs Predator, but I generally enjoy Paul Anderson movies. This second one is bad, though. A lot worse. Seriously.

P2
Rachel Nichols is hot. I mean, damn. This is bad, but worth it to see her running around panting and jiggling.

One Missed Call
Oh, God. Don’t.

Charlie Wilson’s War
Entertaining, if slight, fare from Aaron Sorkin. He’s trying to get back on our good side after the shocking Studio 60 situation. Shocking Studio 60 situation. Try saying that 5 times fast.

National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets
Bad. I liked the first one. This ain’t even that.

Before The Devil Knows Your Dead
It’s ironic, because Philip Seymour Hoffman used to the be the guy that had a few lines in a quirky indie flick and steal it completely. Now here’s Michael Shannon screwing him over in exactly the same fashion.
“I’m gonna call you….Grouchy.”

Iron Man
It’s a Jon Favreau movie, with Robert Downey Jr in it. I found it pretty hard to hate.

The Signal
Visual showcase for directors David Bruckner and Dan Bush, who I’m sure we’ll be seeing around in the future. The film itself is often impressive and awful in equal measure.

Stay Alive
Frankie Muniz-starring horror movie about a video game that kills. I know it sounds like it could be fun, but it really isn’t. I love that the IMDB trivia page says “Ben Foster was going to play the role of Hutch O'Neill, but gave the role to his brother Jon Foster instead because he thought it was better suited for him.” BULL. SHIT. That’s like hearing “Dennis Quaid was originally going to play Cousin Eddie in National Lampoon’s Vegas Vacation but gave the role to his brother Randy instead because he thought it was better suited for him.”

Wristcutters: A Love Story
Eh, it’s no good. I like Tom Waits as much as the next girl, but apparently Shannyn Sossamon is just a fuckin curse, now.

Awake
Y’know, I watched this movie on the same day I watched 4 other really bad movies, so it seemed alright in comparison. Terrence Howard is just the weirdest guy - interviews with him frighten me to the very core of my being.

Gone Baby Gone
There are two movies here. One’s good, the other’s Along Came A Spider. So, there’s that. But good acting throughout.

3:10 To Yuma
Ugh. Ben Foster was the only good thing going on here. Not that I wish he’d picked Stay Alive instead, of course. Heh.

Lars & The Real Girl
Really quite sweet and affecting.

Semi-Pro
Not funny.

Super High Me
This stand-up comedian tries out the Morgan Spurlock documentary style, with a lot fewer rules. He basically decides to not get stoned for three months. Surprisingly (or not), although he’s ‘less psychic’ and ‘less smart’ straight, his comedy act gets a thousand times funnier.

Indiana Jones & The Mystery of The Turd in The Circle
What can I say that hasn’t already been said. It should be better than The Mummy, than National Treasure; those movies that ape the Indy vibe. What disturbs more is that it isn’t even better than the sequels to The Mummy and National Treasure. And no, I don’t blame L’eau d’Beef Soup, I blame Lucas of course.

Death Sentence
I only got around to watching this as soon as I did cause Phil is a ‘James Wan completist’. Whatever, it’s not as good as Dead Silence, but probably on the same level as the original Saw in terms of stupidity. Also: James Wan is hot.

Shutter (Remake)
Joshua Jackson - RIP. See you on Fringe, doing that thing you do. The film? It’s what they always do, isn’t it? Just rip out the guts of the scares and such.

Vantage Point
Are action movies supposed to be as dull as shit? Oh. Well, this was GREAT then. Really….ACTION-Y.

Be Kind, Rewind
Yeah, the problem here is that Michel Gondry can write and direct short things no problem, but in terms of anything past 5 minutes he just doesn’t have a clue on how to glue his ideas together with any real heart behind them. Everything’s too slap-dash and earnestly whimsical. I think he can be a great director, but he needs to stop doing scripts.

Jumper
Apparently, Doug Liman is done with scripts and stories all together. I didn’t mind what he did with it, to be honest. I think my mind did, though. It kept thinking stuff like “who’s he?” and “what did he say?” and “that doesn‘t seem credible.”

Teeth
Great. I loved it. Really old-school.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Occasionally amusing. I found the rumour that Jason Segal did this whole movie just so he could get the go-ahead to write a new Muppets movie strangely believable, as silly rumours go.

Wargames 2: The Dead Code
Dude. I can’t…just. It’s just going along, being a crap hacker movie. And it’s filmed a little bit like Spy Game. Like a bad Tony Scott movie. And then, kind of half way through, they decide to bring in the WOPR. I actually found myself getting physically upset. The last minute is the killing blow.

The Darjeeling Ltd
Not as bad as Life Aquatic, but. I think the well is dry. He’s no better than Shyalaman to me, right now.

Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay
Yeah. The first one was better, I guess.

There Will Be Blood
Having seen all the ‘Best Movie’ Oscar nominations now, I feel like this was robbed. And I don’t think I will get tired of shouting ‘You’re a BASTARD from a BASKET!!’ as a comeback any time soon.

Transamerica
Decent enough. And short.

The Ruins
It’s The Hole-y. But slightly less crap.

Pathology
Really, truly, awful. Even seeing Milo Ventimiglia’s ass didn’t make it worth it.

The Happening
They keep saying “happening” throughout. It’s annoying. Also it’s a bad movie. I think I hate Mark Whalberg. I don’t know how he keeps getting work.

21
Surprisingly long and utterly predictable, but mildly entertaining. You could easily watch it on a Sunday afternoon and instantly forget it.

The Lost Boys 2: The Tribe
I think I read a review that said “if Corey Feldman is the best thing about your movie, you’ve got problems.” That just about sums it up. It copies the first movie’s plot almost entirely, with some scenes almost copied shot-for-shot. Corey Haim appears, briefly. It’s still not nearly as bad as Wargames 2.

The Savages
Ok-ish. Oh, Laura! Je t’aime!

Tears of a Clown

What is it about Thomas Jane that makes me laugh, even when I don’t want to? It’s hard to say.

I remember watching Boogie Nights, Face/Off and The Last Time I Committed Suicide, but I don’t remember him being in them. The first thing I registered him in was Deep Blue Sea. I saw it in the cinema and laughed like a drain – to me, it’s always been one of those ‘so bad it’s funny’ movies. His looking slippery and buff in that wet suit also made the movie an easier pill to swallow.

Maybe that’s where it started.

I couldn’t make it all the way through The Sweetest Thing. But if you think you can take one for the team, you can witness therein Thomas Jane having good old college try at ‘comedy’.

Next, he turned up in Dreamcatcher: another film I place firmly in the ‘so bad it’s funny’ vein of things and was directed by Lawrence Kasdan, who also wrote Raiders of The Lost Ark and Empire Strikes Back (and is penning the screenplay for the remake of Clash of The Titans). At the time, and even now, if you pitched a film to me like “It’s got Jason Lee, Timothy Olyphant, Damian Lewis and Morgan Freeman in it. It’s a sci-fi movie about an alien invasion, by the guy that wrote Raiders!” I’d be all “That sounds AWESOME.” It isn’t. Look, here’s a trailer:

See? Looks pretty good, huh? Not even a whiff of shit weasels.

There’s a scene in that movie, which I probably can’t do justice. It’s a scene in which Thomas Jane is riding in a truck and hears a phone ringing. He picks up a gun lying nearby and talks into it like it’s a mobile phone. This is supposed to be a dramatic scene. I still laugh when I think of it.

So at this point, even though I know Thomas Jane isn’t really suited to comedy, I associate him with laughing a lot. I go on to miss out on Stander and The Punisher, so the next thing he appears in is Arrested Development, where he plays himself to great comedic effect.

Japes.

But recently, here’s The Mist: a deadly serious monster flick by Frank Darabont, with a sobering downbeat ending. The human race is all doomed; we’ll destroy each other without the aid of CGI tentacles, etc, etc. And I’m watching for a while, aware of the rave reviews, respectful of Darabont’s career (I still think The Fly 2 is as grim as all Hell and definitely one of the best things Eric Stoltz has ever done) but something’s feeling a little...weird. Then I realise, sort of anxiously, that I’m grinning as if I’m stoned. Thomas Jane’s mere existence is amusing me. I find I can’t look at his face and take him seriously. And he gets work! A lot! With his Paul Newman-y good looks and his Patricia Arquette-banging lifestyle! He’s going to keep being in serious movies! And people will be all “I really liked The Mist/Whatever He Does Next” and my mental agenda will be “Yeah, I mean, yeah...but, didn’t you think that it was unintentionally funny?” and I’ll get that blank stare by return.